New Year, Still Winter

“Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?’ Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.” - Psalm 4:6-7

It’s January. I am writing this sick in bed, blank calendar by my side, wanting to take a moment to reflect on this past year and open myself to the stirrings I sense for this new year. I’ve written a lot this past year, have started several posts, but didn’t feel the need to share any of it yet. I like to be sure I’m sharing thoughts that I sense are inspired by God and not just my own ramblings. Who am I to encourage others in the Lord when I still have days, weeks, and seasons where I feel numb and uninspired?

This January season of fasting has been full of sickness and feeling stuck in a haze. It has been difficult to notice the good. Has God been hiding from me? I can appreciate David’s honest psalms more deeply when he cries out to God asking where He has gone. David’s honesty was a sign of his intimacy with the Father.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. -Psalm 22:1-2

It may be a new year, but it’s still winter. There are no signs of spring budding yet. It’s still the season when we are meant to hold onto hope and trust there is still goodness to behold all around us. It may feel and look harsh, but there’s still purpose and beauty. If we can’t see any goodness or receive revelations in our present, we can look back and remember what He has already said and done and hold onto that.

So today I’m reminded of what God revealed to me back in November. I was driving home to Virginia Beach from Hatteras after being gone for five months and was hoping to be inspired. I wanted to receive some new insight from the Lord to take with me into this next season. The girls were driving separately using my Spotify, so instead of jamming out to music I only had the podcast app at my disposal. I hadn’t listened to Jennie Allen in a long time, so I quickly looked at what she has been saying lately. I saw a title on “hearing God’s voice” and somewhat begrudgingly clicked on it. I say “begrudgingly” because that’s a tricky topic for me. Even though I’ve written about this, pondered this, and discovered deep truths of how God speaks (usually not how we want Him to, and in His own way and timing), I still have a hard time when people talk about hearing God’s voice like it’s a formula or a magic trick. But okay Jennie, tell me what you do. I genuinely wanted to know.

And sure enough, in seven minutes, she shared about a time she was confused and anxious about something, and quoted someone else asking God two things every day. First, “what do you want me know?” and second, “what do you want me to do?” So she laid on her bed, asked God these things and instantly began receiving “downloads” from God on what to do. Downloads. If only it were that simple or at least it worked the same way every time. Is God a computer we simply need to log onto in the right way and receive our daily downloads?

I am notorious for forgetting passwords. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve typed in what I was sure was the correct password, only to be rejected. Usually, I get locked out and have to wait. Sometimes, however, the magic goes my way, and I get it right. I think it can be tempting to approach God in prayer in a similar way… just type in the correct password to receive your download. But often times, we can enter that password over and over and still feel locked out. We are forced to wait.

(For the record, I have an immense amount of respect for Jennie Allen. She has deepened my faith in many ways through her raw authenticity and her steadfast heart for Jesus. I do believe we should never stop asking God for things, and His response or seemingly lack of response is much more nuanced and bigger than our understanding of the way He answers us. He is after our hearts and desires a posture of prayer that faces towards Him, whether we are asking, praising, or complaining.)

Moving on to the podcast I listened to right after the seven minute one… the geniuses at the Bible Project. They did an entire series on the symbolism of wilderness in the Bible, and I happened to choose the episode about David in the Wilderness. They spoke about David’s time in the wilderness as a season of preparation for his kingship. There were things he still needed to learn that only the wilderness could teach him. But about thirty minutes in, they talked about the story of David and Abigail…

Abigail was wise and beautiful, but married to a foolish man named Nabal.

“The woman was discerning and beautiful.”- 1 Sam. 25:3b

David had sent some of his men to Nabal, asking him to share in their feast, for David and his men had been hiding from Saul and essentially had been hanging out with Nabal’s shepherds, offering protection to them with their mighty numbers. But Nabal didn’t care about that. He basically gave David the middle finger and said why should I share with you what is not yours. This made David extremely angry, and though David had not dared touch a hair on Saul’s head, who was actively trying to kill him, David strapped on his sword and declared he would kill Nabal and every male in his household for this act of disrespect.

“And Nabal answered David's servants, “Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants these days who are breaking away from their masters.  Shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers and give it to men who come from I do not know where?”  So David's young men turned away and came back and told him all this. And David said to his men, “Every man strap on his sword!” - 1 Sam. 25:10-13a

In the podcast, they emphasized that when Abigail got wind of this, she KNEW WHAT TO DO, and second, she ACTED QUICKLY AND WISELY. (It did not seem coincidental that they used these same phrases as the previous podcast). Abigail immediately prepared a feast and brought it out to David in the wilderness, laying herself prostrate before him, asking him not to do this thing . . .

“Please forgive the trespass of your servant. For the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house, because my lord is fighting the battles of the Lord, and evil shall not be found in you so long as you live.  If men rise up to pursue you and to seek your life, the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living in the care of the Lord your God. And the lives of your enemies he shall sling out as from the hollow of a sling.  And when the Lord has done to my lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you and has appointed you prince over Israel, my lord shall have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause or for my lord working salvation himself. And when the Lord has dealt well with my lord, then remember your servant.” - 1 Sam. 25:28-31

We can see by her words that she was faithful to the living God and wise. She didn’t have to lay on her bed and inquire of God (at least, it doesn’t mention that). She knew what to do, it says, and acted quickly. She acted out of wisdom because she was already filled with wisdom. Because of this, she saved all the men in her family, spared David from having blood on his hands, and later became David’s wife. Because of her wisdom and confidence, Abigail eventually became queen. (I’m sure her beauty also helped, but wisdom is a beauty all its own!) Perhaps her declaration was the answer to David’s prayer in Psalm 22.

How is this encouraging? I am certainly not saying we shouldn’t inquire of God. We should do that all day every day. I am commenting on the anxiety and restlessness Christians seem to experience in regard to God’s response. We want to hear Him clearly, immediately, and in the same way as our neighbor hears Him every single time. But when we are walking with God and filling our minds and hearts with His wisdom daily … when we are on the path He has set before us and are walking it faithfully, we are filled with His wisdom. We already know what to do because we are aligned with Him, walking side by side with Him.

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. - Galatians 5:25

A lot of us think we don’t know what to do, when we do. We anxiously ask God to make things crystal clear, because we’re insecure and lack the courage to steward our lives faithfully. Especially when we don’t like how things are going. Especially when prayers continue to go unanswered. But I’m not sure He’s as interested in answering our immediate prayers (though of course He wants us to ask and turn to Him in all things at all times), as He is in shaping our hearts to trust Him and training our eyes to see the goodness all around us. Sure, there are times when we really don’t know what to do. We feel like little children, just wanting to be carried by our father. God will meet us there, of course. We must enter the kingdom like a child. But also, as Paul reminds us, children grow. Just as an earthly father and mother desire their grown children to go into the world with confidence, knowing who they are and whose they are, God desires this of us as well. We have the Holy Spirit as our guide and that guide lives within us.

The story of Abigail is more familiar to my experience of walking with God, much more than hearing clear, direct instructions. I have walked through seasons of inspiration, of signs and wonders, and also seasons where it feels as though God is quiet. But because He is in me and I am actively seeking to live surrendered to Him, I can walk freely and restfully through all seasons. I can know what to do without anxiety or doubt. Am I still anxious at times? Absolutely… but this is usually the result of forgetting who I am and doubting God’s faithfulness to me. Do I still ask God what to do? Of course. But without the anxious undertone of wondering whether or how or if He will answer.

Perhaps it’s all the same thing. Perhaps I simply prefer to use different language. But the notion of “downloads” seems harder to fit with much of what we find in Scripture. In the Old Testament, God did not often give clear, instantaneous answers to his people’s questions. Trust and patience—oftentimes a bit of fear and bewilderment—were the usual prerequisites for getting to know the Father’s will. “I AM WHO I AM” was the kind of answer Moses received, along with the unfolding of a thousand-year-long plan to answer the people’s most immediate prayers in a much deeper, longer, and larger way than they could have imagined. In the Gospels, Jesus did answer specific prayers for healing quite often, but he didn’t heal everyone or answer everyones’ prayers in the same way. Jesus had a much deeper, longer plan as well. Even among his own disciples, he wasn’t exactly known for his clarity and straightforwardness. It’s hard not to hear Bono singing as I write this: He moves in mysterious ways.

Then and now, God is looking for those who will follow Him anyway, even when the answers aren’t clear. He is looking for those who will trust Him in the dead of winter, even when the harvest is nowhere in sight. God answers every prayer, but He has a purpose for the waiting. God is in the waiting. He answers through the waiting.

“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him.” - 2 Chronicles 16:9

But what do we do in these seasons of winter? When all feels quiet? More on that in the next post…

If you are feeling the weight of winter right now and think you’re supposed to have fresh vision and revelation and the ability to take account of all the bundles of fruit in your life from the past year, remember…

It’s still winter.

Winter is a time to hunker down, to be still, slow down, and rest. It is a time to reflect and remember and rest assured that you have a faithful God who never hides. He is actively at work in the underground root system of your heart. He has big plans for spring and summer.

Thankfully, we made it through our sicknesses and I came out of the haze I was feeling this month. But it wasn’t until I remembered God’s faithfulness and heart towards me and allowed myself to rest in that, that I could shift my eyes away from the despair of the current season and embrace the goodness of it.

May we learn to rest in Him at all times, in all seasons, and learn to acknowledge the goodness all around us. There is beauty in the stillness, the barrenness, and even in the pain. Like David in the wilderness, there are things we need to learn that only the winter can teach us. But like Abigail, we can be at rest in all circumstances, because we are bound in the bundle of the living in the care of the Lord our God.

Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. - Psalm 116:7